Gotta take it....

NOTE: This is approximately 3 weeks old at this point, i didnt know whether i wanted to actually post it or not. I never read things like this after i write them before posting, because i tend to edit, to keep from actually allowing too much insight into me, so to speak. A good friend inspired me to go ahead though, allow people an 'in' at times, beyond the surface, so here goes it....

This is coming out raw, so i apologize in advance if it just becomes a jumbled mess of thoughts. About 3am last night was probably the single scariest moment i've experienced in my 25 years of existence. To get a call that your mom isn't doing well, to hold her face in your hands and bore into her eyes with yours, only for her not to respond at all. Your brain explodes into waves of panic, fear, and a deeper more profound sense of sadness blended with utter disappointment: to know that this is that moment. The one that's haunted your dreams for 2 years now, since the first of the three series of strokes she experienced. Makes it no easier. No matter how much you've rearranged your own life and sacrificed, at this particular moment, it just doesn't feel like you've done enough. its your mother you're talking about here. you owe her life, and since youve obviously not given it, you feel like theres more you could have done. Three million thoughts run through your head rapidly as the entire world around you slows to a crawl. It's evocative of a scene from a movie, a brisk walk through the sliding emergency room doors, as you stare intently into your mother's lifeless eyes, praying to whomever you pray that her 'spark' reappears, that her eyes find yours. all to no avail. The next few minutes are a blur - nominated by my family to give the information at the desk, the whole time distracted by trying to watch as they get her situated within an ER room. Walking back into the room again, she's responsive again, and her locking eyes with me does TONS for relieving the thousands of pounds of stress from my shoulders. She's alert again, and holding conversation. The world moves back to normal for a moment....

The whole thing sent me into a tailspin, and put me back into deep thought again. I think i've devoted too much time to things of little real importance. I think i've tried to be too much to too many people, a large percentage of those who can't reciprocate such gestures. My tendency at times like this is to retreat. I want to run, i want to hide, shut the world out. But i cant be that guy. Too much at stake. There's too much i have to do. Apparently a bullet was dodged THIS time, outside of the initial shock and fear, it wasnt too serious. But one day, one night that call will really come, and itll be my entire world crashing down on my head. It will be the world around me crumbling at my feet. It will be everything ive ever known evaporating into the night. She has to be comfortable though. Everything that she's sacrificed over all these years to make sure i was ok, i want her to have as much as possible of it back. Tenfold. None of it can be in vain. If i have a thousand things on my plate right now, time to make it 3. She always tells me she's proud of me, but i want that to be x100. I want her to see my success that she's responsible for before......... its still hard to accept that there's something there beyond those ellipses.....