Welcome to tomorrow.....

 2009 has been…. A blur. Seemed like everytime I blinked, the calendar had advanced days, weeks, months in that instant, and now im only an eye-opening away from ’09 being nothing more than a vision in my rearview. At least that is how I plan for it to be, so certain things have to be LEFT in 2009, not carried over into 2010. I want the best of my 2009 to be the WORST of my 2010, and the worst of 2009 to be LONG forgotten in 2010. *UNDERSTAND – this is not a process that just takes place as soon as 11:59pm December 31st, 2009 becomes 12am January 1st, 2010.* Anything I deem a ‘New Year’s resolution’ is not something that I’m jus gonna start working on on 1.1.10, it’s something that I’ve BEEN working on since I determined that it was something that needed work, just that a changing of the year (or actually the decade now) just gives a logistical ‘new beginning’ so to speak. Nothing is gonna CHANGE, I just want to further my own GROWTH. So with that said, I shall break down my own course of action for how my 2010 shall be great….

First thing and most important thing I HAVE to leave in 2009 is my penchant for worrying about things that are beyond my control. I have control freak tendencies at times, so I fret when I don’t know a situation 360 degrees or I cant control it at all. Whether my female situation, the job hunt, or anything else in general, I think its really just added unnecessary stress. I figure if I can stop thinking about the things I can do nothing about, it frees up my mind to focus on actually altering the things that I DO have control over. This will probably be the most difficult one to actually accomplish, the one that I’ll really have to focus on on a day-to-day basis. Just have to learn to let go.

I also have to really get myself back to keeping in contact with people. People that mean the world to me, that I keep close to my heart, still end up feeling neglected in a way, because at times I dont show that to them, whether by a text, or to be less impersonal, a phone call. Sometimes I think the Internet is to blame, simply because a Facebook wall post, a Myspace message, or a Tweet just doesn’t equate with a phone call, or just going to see someone.

Gears turning.... 2:42am

2:42am

Sleep’s nowhere near…. My head is spinning right now, I don’t even know why. “soothing” playlist going right now. Alicia keys ‘unthinkable’… song gives me that feeling in the gut, I know those words, the emotion, yeah. Who the HELL is gonna wanna read this? Better out than in tho, if I laid here thinking, id never sleep.

Being smart is a fucking curse. Really. I hate typing in word cuz it auto capitalizes all my shit, that goes against everything I stand for. Im anti-capitalization and punctuation too sometimes. Anyway, yeah, bein smart – not all its cracked up to be (wtf does that even mean?) the dumbest people I know, the people whos IQs would be letters instead of numbers, are the happiest people I know – that CANT be a coincidence. All the most famous geniuses in history were/are disturbed, I can identify with that. I DO have a genius-level IQ, so I guess it makes sense. I’m not crazy, just I cant turn my mind off. Ever. If I could erase some negative thoughts, id be so much happier. Im not a pessimist, just way analytical and too logical sometimes. U know that L-word? The four letter one, not the tv show – it has absolutely ZERO relation to logic and reason. Hello Mind, meet Heart – yall will NEVER agree. If I turned one off, id never ever be in a relationship – if I turned off the other, id probably be in a series of bad ones. Wheres the win in that? Trey songz ‘one love’ – wow. This playlist is on random but it feels like my mind is controlling this shit. Wheres the medium between you know you cant settle all the way down yet, but you wanna claim ur territory almost? Is there one? My ‘before I settle down’ checklist is still lacking a couple checks, but shes legit tho. I wanna gas the car up and go looking for the old me – he was better equipped for this shit. I stopped dumbing it down and simplifying for people and it became SO much harder to freely speak my mind. Most people have the attention span of fleas tho, so when I really speak my mind, id lose them wayyyy before the point. Smh. Full of lose.