Gears turning.... 2:42am

2:42am

Sleep’s nowhere near…. My head is spinning right now, I don’t even know why. “soothing” playlist going right now. Alicia keys ‘unthinkable’… song gives me that feeling in the gut, I know those words, the emotion, yeah. Who the HELL is gonna wanna read this? Better out than in tho, if I laid here thinking, id never sleep.

Being smart is a fucking curse. Really. I hate typing in word cuz it auto capitalizes all my shit, that goes against everything I stand for. Im anti-capitalization and punctuation too sometimes. Anyway, yeah, bein smart – not all its cracked up to be (wtf does that even mean?) the dumbest people I know, the people whos IQs would be letters instead of numbers, are the happiest people I know – that CANT be a coincidence. All the most famous geniuses in history were/are disturbed, I can identify with that. I DO have a genius-level IQ, so I guess it makes sense. I’m not crazy, just I cant turn my mind off. Ever. If I could erase some negative thoughts, id be so much happier. Im not a pessimist, just way analytical and too logical sometimes. U know that L-word? The four letter one, not the tv show – it has absolutely ZERO relation to logic and reason. Hello Mind, meet Heart – yall will NEVER agree. If I turned one off, id never ever be in a relationship – if I turned off the other, id probably be in a series of bad ones. Wheres the win in that? Trey songz ‘one love’ – wow. This playlist is on random but it feels like my mind is controlling this shit. Wheres the medium between you know you cant settle all the way down yet, but you wanna claim ur territory almost? Is there one? My ‘before I settle down’ checklist is still lacking a couple checks, but shes legit tho. I wanna gas the car up and go looking for the old me – he was better equipped for this shit. I stopped dumbing it down and simplifying for people and it became SO much harder to freely speak my mind. Most people have the attention span of fleas tho, so when I really speak my mind, id lose them wayyyy before the point. Smh. Full of lose.

Know whats fucked up tho… itd probably make MORE sense in MY head if she quit fucking with me like that – but it doesn’t seem like she will. Why? Scorpios are deadly loyal so they say, is it that? Am I really that captivating and charming? I usually think im boring actually. I have ULTIMATE self-confidence actually – cuz I DO know my faults just as well as my strengths, that’s when you can really be sure of yourself. THAT might be why geniuses gravitate to drugs – they slow the world down. My smoker career ended early – feeling of being high wasn’t for me. Alcohol is my only vice, but I rarely get really really drunk – high tolerance ftw. Only it still doesn’t stop the gears from turning, I only express them more. No win. If I read this shit after, ill never post it, I can only imagine how its gonna look to whoever actually reads it. Anybody crazy enough to get it? We’ll see.

That shit I found out yesterday? Bananas. If I paid enough attention, woulda got it tho. Probably not the only one going either. Eh =/.

Holidays.smh. if you cant spend the holidays the way youd perfectly want to in your head, they suck. Ill enjoy it thru my nephew, but still… 2010 is only a lil minute away, my two resolutions? Im gonna keep/maintain contact with ppl I care about, I suck at that, but its probably time to work on it. Second, im gonna try to stop worrying about shit I cant control. Very difficult, a loss of control is the worst. Not knowing is a bitch. A dirty one at that. The 4 Rounds might actually be together for Christmas tho, if lil homie gets out and big bro comes thru. Thatll be dope. Big bro is really the only one who understands this whole situation, we kinda started dealing with it at the same time. John mayer “assassin’ – another one that says a lot to my mindstate. Song reminds me of mr. and mrs. Smith, the movie, but the lyrics hit a note. She’s an assassin too – and probably a better one. Bad for me. The person who cares less is in control = Myron loses. Stupid ass f-word. Think shell read this? Maybe. Then not say shit – shes a closed book. Really.

That helped some. For now. Maybe ill sleep, if not. More writing to come. B.o.B. "Nothin' On You" - i wont even start.

3:26am